


The Cave

by akgerhardt



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Adventure, F/F, F/M, M/M, Mystery Skulls AU, but uh cws: food | drug mentions | bugs | suicidal ideation | gallows humor | possession, dirk dies again but he's fine; everyone's fine, i reread and edit more than i write but if you catch any mistakes please lemme know, if you're new in town i am the weenie known for writing crack + comfort + vanilla kinks, look i'm not posting vore this time, not sure if this counts as horror/thriller/mystery bc it's mild, sex with a ghost, sfw cardiophilia ig, there's only gonna be a couple graphic scenes and they won't be detailed, you'll find them all here because my fics are clusterfucks
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-16 21:01:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,729
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29706528
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/akgerhardt/pseuds/akgerhardt
Summary: here be monsters
Relationships: Auto-Responder | Lil Hal & Roxy Lalonde, Jake English/Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker & Jake English & Roxy Lalonde & Dirk Strider, Jane Crocker/Terezi Pyrope
Comments: 2
Kudos: 6





	1. let the maze of my design carry you on

The sun was just beginning to peek over the scraggly, uneven skyline by the time the bus rolled up to their stop. Jane paused her audiobook, put away her airpods, pulled the wire, and then tapped Dirk's shoulder lightly to alert him. He startled but attempted to shove it under a nonchalant demeanor as he lowered his headphones. His hoodie was soiled with Jake's drool, but at least they were leaving civilization for this closed social function. Gently, he scooped Jake upright, knowing better than to wait for him to wake up on his own. The fucker was only ever encouraged to stay in the land of Nod by Dirk's tender affection and ASMR voice. Jake just slurred something incoherent, slouched against him and propelled only by gravity as he let himself be guided out the door.

"Watch the stairs."

He stumbled down them anyway. Dirk caught him and set him on the sidewalk in one smooth gesture. Jane thanked the driver politely with a wave as Jake rubbed his eyes groggily and Dirk cleaned the thumb streaks off the glasses he had snatched when Jake fell asleep. He put them back on Jake without warning once he deemed them wearable, accidentally jabbing an eyelid.

"Shit. My bad."

"Thanks kindly," he mumbled, blinking a couple times as his vision readjusted. "Those were some optimal winks you afforded."

"I'll send an invoice."

Jane took her backpack off and knelt to unzip it. An impossibly long, fluffy, albino cat sprung out like a snake in a can, landing unphased and stretching on the derelict pavement before sitting to clean herself.

"Is this really the time?" Jane sighed. Roxy, of course, ignored her and the cars passing by.

"H' far'sit?" he yawned.

"Very."

"Shoot..."

"It's only a few miles or so."

"5.2."

"Alright, smart Alec. We can pace ourselves."

"It's frigid here."

"Once the sun's risen fully, it'll warm up! In the meantime, let's get moving to build that kinetic heat."

"As you wish."

Jake muttered some colorful nonsense between chattering teeth as he buttoned his coat and shoved his hands in his pockets. Jane was already properly dressed and warm, adorned in a cozy-yet-elegant set of winterwear. Dirk pulled his second hoodie out of her bag and donned it unceremoniously, ignoring the cloud of cat hair now shimmering in the beam of light as it lingered around him.

"You look like an angel," she chortled.

"Uh."

"Yowza, she's right! The sun's given you an aura! You look downright divine."

"Sounds fake, but thanks."

"No prob, Bob... But you could use some more eyes and legs."

"Everyone's a critic."

He slung Jane's backpack over his shoulders before she could put it on. She shook her head with a bemused smile and retrieved a folded paper from her pocket.

"I drew up a map for us to follow- the path is quite simple but unpaved, and it likely hasn't been used in ages. There are some telltale landmarks to keep an eye out for so that we don't stray off-course."

"I mean, I do have the route up on Booble Maps, but it's not like exact coordinates and live satellite tracking would-"

"I just _knew_ you'd pull that new timey hogwash!"

"Guilty as charged."

"Thank you for the offer, but you can't very well find what we're looking for with your gizmos and gadgets," she winked, reaching up and then swerving to pat his shoulder. His fleeting mortification at the concept of her making a pass at his hair betrayed his indifferent expression. "The area is notorious for technological malfunctions, and we won't very well have access to those fancy cell towers once we're within range. No, siree; we'll be relying on tried and true methods of sleuthing! Plus, the handiest computer of them all," she grinned, spontaneously knocking on his noggin. He was caught off guard and grimaced, fumbling for his comb.

"Stone cold betrayal... Also, you bought a fucking "spirit box." I don't think you get to denounce technology in favor of logic."

"You of all people should be onboard with conducting esoteric investigative experiments."

"... I honestly can't tell if this whole thing is an elaborate prank. Like, we both know you don't even believe in the environmental impact of capitalist consumerism intertwined with overpopulation, despite hours spent marathoning Attenborough with us."

"I never said that!"

He raised a brow. She sighed.

"I'm just curious, for Pete's sake, and you two were all but begging to come along."

"Because it's a death trap? I'd gladly take being chased by someone in a Slimer suit over the stories being true."

She rolled her eyes.

"Not that I think any of that supernatural bs is real. As was mentioned, there are plenty of plausible dangers involved, like serial killers, cultists, clowns that fit those categories, poor air quality, slippery rocks, the whole goddamn entrance collapsing... Jake, help me out, man."

"Don't _want_ conflict. I won't confront her," he grumbled before realizing he was speaking. He jolted to alertness and stammered, backtracking. "I mean! ... Look, we hold you in the highest of regards as our esteemed lady friend. And only friend humanways. We would never dare imply that you aren't a strong, independent detective dame capable of handling whatever fiddle faddle's flung at her. Because you absotively posilutely _can!_ We just... We just don't want anything bad to transpire in the happenstance that there's too much tough stuff on your plate for any one folk to consume...... Not to mention the indisputable fact that I LOVE a good hike!!! It'll be a grand excursion for all involved parties! Nothing like a little danger to rev up the ol' adrenaline gland, eh?! Haha!!!" 

He was grinning way too hard by the end, puffs of steam evaporating as he caught his breath. It was evident that he'd be sweating if he wasn't freezing.

"... I appreciate your concern, but it's unnecessary. I'll be fine."

"Yeah, definitely. We're all getting out of this alive, at the very least... Though the odds of doing so would be a lot higher if we just turned around and warmed up in that Waffle House over there until the next bus comes."

"I told you to eat beforehand."

"Not the point."

"Are you sure? I packed tarts."

"Oh, fuck yes."

"Hold still and kneel a bit."

"You want me to beg? Because I will."

"Hoo hoo! No, you enormous oaf. I can't reach them otherwise."

"That was a test, and you passed. Congrats."

"I'm ignoring your claptrap."

"Fair, but still feed me. Please."

"What does it look like I'm doing?!"

"How the fuck am I supposed to see back there. Sorry if you were laboring under the misapprehension that I could dislocate my skull and swivel it around."

Jake was cracking up to the point of tears and Jane was wheezing by the time she retrieved her lunch kit from the bag. She handed him a Tupperware container, and he went to town on the homemade goodness. Roxy sprung up and attached herself to his shoulder until he handed her one.

"Owh," he remarked apathetically, continuing to stuff his face.

"Save some for the rest of us! That was supposed to be dessert."

"My presence comes with a price. You have to subdue me or else I won't shut the fuck up and go along with this horseshit."

"It's true. He can be bribed like a stallion with apple slices."

"I've gathered that by now. Just don't want to encourage it," she chuckled, flashing a second, hidden container at Jake behind Dirk's back.

Roxy was making a variety of disconcerting sounds as she wolfed hers down.

"We really ought to stop giving her human food."

"Her ass warmed the container, so I figured it was only fair that she be compensated."

"Perhaps... I just don't want her to get sick."

She was already licking her whiskers clean. Without warning, she assumed the pouncing position again, butt wiggling up in the air.

"You can tell her, then. She never listens to me."

He handed Jane the container in time to catch Roxy before she clawed him again. She flailed like an incredible waving arm man as she tried to escape and bat at the container.

"Smelly, feral woman. Why did we even bring you."

…

"Wait, why _did_ we bring her?"

"Because she climbed in and belligerently refused to leave."

"Ah. Well, she is a good traveler."

"I was surprised she even fit with how little free space there was."

"Liquid animal physics. She filled up the negative space."

Jake guffawed and Jane snort-laughed. Jake's volume startled the others.

"... Sorry. This may come as a surprise, but I'm a tad bit ill at ease."

"Really? The likes of you, timorous?! Why, I'd _never!"_

"Don't be swindled by Dirk's folly. He's just as perturbed."

"That's why I'm wearing dark clothes."

"They compliment the cat hairs so nicely!"

"I could let her go."

"No! No way, José. I toiled over these 'til the wee hours with nothing but her greedy rump for company."

"It shows."

…

"You sure know how to make a lady feel beautiful."

"Oh, I meant that I could taste the love."

"D'aww... Aren't you just a surreptitious sweetheart! That's the secret ingredient!"

"Fuckin' called it."

"That, and a minute amount of CBD."

"… Nice."

"Kidding!"

"Damn. No special sauce for me?"

"Be careful what you wish for. I may just spice things up next time."

There was a familiar, mischievous glint in her eye.

"You do realize I'd knowingly eat toothpaste and wasabi confections."

"Even if they're filled with mayonnaise?"

"Yes, because you somehow make everything fucking delicious. Your subconscious forbids you from using your culinary skills for evil."

"What an infuriating compliment."

"I try."

The sun had finally fully risen, but it wasn't yet warm enough to melt the frost that coated all of the foliage. Dead grass and leaves crunched with each step, and exhales of steam puffed off of everyone, even Roxy. Dirk yeeted her once the lunch kit was back in the bag because she was too damn heavy to be held like that for long. They'd suspected she was some sort of albino Maine coon, but she refused to go to the vet and foiled their multiple attempts to get her vaccinated, let alone fixed, so their guess was as good as the internet's.

At least she didn't seem to have anything contagious like brainworms, even if they shared the metaphorical ones. She was extremely free-spirited and came and went as she pleased whether they wanted her to or not, but living in a city somewhat reduced the risk of her being an ecological serial killer. She'd shown up on Jane's balcony one day, sunbathing blissfully with nothing but a little gold chain and pink heart charm engraved "Roxy" to identify her. They'd never managed to track her to a house and only had success in feeding her human food, but she always appeared healthy and clean. She spent anywhere from a couple hours to days each visit just lounging around, drinking from the tap, stealing snacks, and using Jane's bidet as a litterbox before fucking off for an indefinite amount of time. She liked to follow them around the streets and parks as well, but the indoor social gatherings were held at Jane's, since her apartment was a lot nicer and roomier than the gents'. Jane had offered on numerous occasions to help them furnish and redecorate properly, but they were too stubborn and content with living like squatters. Squatters with offcolor hobbies and… "collections'' pertaining to their interests. All in all, she was abhorred at the idea of hanging out there, so she insisted on being the host, and they were happy to comply. Her bachelorette pad had all sorts of luxuries for them to enjoy- a fridge with a push tap (which Roxy also perused), a sleeper sofa, ample space for vintage Wii sessions, a widescreen television, and so forth. It was a mutually beneficial arrangement.


	2. whispered leaves on swaying trees and mysteries defined

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> https://youtube.com/playlist?list=PLuvdBC703WVfIiGYxzK2zeg-EZoGPhCXe

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (updated the content warnings)

"Remember longcat, Jane? Fuck hiking in peaceful silence, because I want to talk about longcat."

"Hoo, brother..."

"Specifically, the parallels to our beloved furry."

"I'm _trying_ to practice mindfulness by appreciating bird songs. Believe me when I say it's in everyone's best interest."

"... You're missing out on enrichment. Who knows if you'll be graced with my soliloquies again? Anything could happen."

"You just said we'd be fine."

"Yeah, but. I could disappear under mysterious circumstances in the interim. This place is supposedly the goddamn _Twilight Zone_ spliced with the Bermuda Triangle and one of the Scooby Doo plots that included actual monsters."

"... I did read a handful of disconcerting threads with theories muddled amongst mumbo jumbo and copypastas-"

"Creepypastas. I read those, too. They're fake as shit."

"Then why-"

"The footage was convincing at times, and there are missing persons reports dating back to, like, the forties... Regardless, shit's gonna get weird, so we might as well say our goodbyes now. Just in case."

"Ok, Buster Buzzkill, that's enough from you. You're not going to change my mind."

"I'll go in first and die to prove how bad of an idea this is. At my funeral, make sure to slip up and imply that I'm still alive, and then ogle my coffin like you're waiting for me to kick it open. When you lay me to rest, blast "Heir of Grief" and act like you don't know where it's coming from."

"Oh, oh! Will you grant us permission to spend a few days waltzing around the city with you?"

"That'd be fuckin' hilarious. You have my blessing to go full Bernie on my ass."

"Yesss."

"Corpse shenanigans aren't my style, per say, but I'd love to facilitate it."

"Once in a lifetime opportunity."

"It really is... If I die, you may swap my urn with a confetti blaster and activate it at the most somber moment."

"Comedy gold! When I die, you can embalm me and keep me for company. Share custody by pulling me to and fro in a little red wagon every weekend!"

"I can't speak for Dirk, but I'll pass on that privilege."

"I would consider it. The puppetry aspect is appealing, but necro isn't one of my sixty-nine fetishes."

"Nice!"

"... Nice," she sighed.

"I've trained you well."

They fell quiet for a couple minutes.

"It's just occurred to me that a cat has no business spelunking. She might very well be the most vulnerable."

"She has better balance and dexterity than us, at least. And night vision. I wouldn't worry too much about a lightning fast, apex predator's ability to escape murder clowns or whatever the fuck. Maybe she'll end up saving all of our asses."

"Like Old Yeller but if he didn't get rabies!"

"Like Old Yeller, but if he didn't get rabies. See? You understand me."

...

"It's kind of ironic that the suicidal dude is the one actively encouraging self-preservation."

"It is. I'm very proud of you."

"Guilt keeps me tethered to this plane. I can't die until there's nothing left for me to micromanage."

"I suppose that's fair... After all, you've got that compulsive need to care for and protect everyone. It's rather endearing."

Dirk opened his mouth to protest, but Jake distractedly interjected, "If I may deposit my two cents without stepping on any toes, I'm of the cast of mind that euthanasia should be aboveboard and at the ready in circumstances with slim-to-none chances of improvement." 

…

…

…

"Er, that is to say, I don't endorse-"

"Take me now."

"Where to?"

"He requested death."

"Fuck, wait, I meant that in the "that was incredibly sexy of you to say, and we should totally bone right here and now in this below-freezing forest while the cat watches" way."

"Dirk, you know I love you dearly."

"For reasons beyond my comprehension."

"Please never speak to me again."

"Understandable; have a great life."

Jake snickered to himself, still looking equal parts frozen and flustered. Roxy was vaguely following them, sometimes veering off to the side, stopping to investigate things or play in the leaves, and climbing boulders, derelict formations, and trees alike. At the present, she was scaling an old, crumbly tower. She chirped for attention when she reached the highest spire and then launched herself off it, landing unscathed and continuing to adventure. She was absolutely filthy from the combination of dirt and melted frost everywhere, streaked with mud and hair decorated in twigs and leaves.

"Man, I wish I could pull those sorts of stunts..."

"I've entertained the possibility that she might be using cocaine in her freetime."

"Which is all the time."

"Yes."

"Not gonna lie, it's fuckin' hilarious to picture her doing lines with those little thumbs."

"She certainly doesn't engage in typical recreational activities. I think it would explain a lot."

"Maybe? But I've gathered from viral media that cats just tend to live like crackheads, each to different, unique extents."

"There was a cat who broke into my house when I was a little girl and refused to leave. He fit the inscrutable deviant bill."

"I was once friends with an affable lot of them. My gran got all the ones that we could find on the island fixed and cared for them in an enclosure so that they'd stop terrorizing the local fauna. Most were just peaches so we'd ship them off to loving homes! But alas, some were too feral to be approached, so they became permanent residents of el casa de gatto."

"Were any of them on drugs?"

"We never had them screened, so it's tough to say."

"Your grandmother didn't discriminate, then."

"Absotively not! A cat in need is a cat indeed, and no amount of snuff can change that."

"... Is it just me, or have we been gravitating towards vague ethics debates all morning?"

"It's just you, but if you're pushing an agenda, you needn't be subtle."

"Good to know."

* * *

"Gad-shitting-ZOOKS, look!!!"

They startled, turning questioningly. Jake was already headed towards the sight.

"I daresay this is a veritable ram's melon! And a dazzling specimen at that!"

He knelt to examine it properly, tracing its spiral horns with reverence.

"Don't touch it; it could be diseased."

He didn't respond, just picking it up with jovial exuberance and tilting it towards the sun to inspect better.

"Why, this gal's been here for quite a long while, yet she's not marred or muddied! Not an incisor missing, either. She'll make a lovely addition to the rooftop garden."

He straightened, tucking it between his forearms with care and childlike exuberance. Jane grimaced, and Dirk just smiled, bemused.

"I didn't know we had rams, but then again, why would I?"

"Could've died off or been driven away from habitat loss."

She shrugged with a heavy sigh.

"Now, now, no sour grapes! I can get you situated with some superb noggins."

"No! Thank you."

They stopped to rest on a derelict wall. Jane took out her lunch kit and passed it around, but Jake was content to just sit there and ogle his treasure, legs swinging.

"My fingers are numb."

"Perhaps that's related to you cutting the tips off your gloves like a child with horrid fashion sense and no impulse control."

"Fucking savage, Crocker. But I'd attribute it to you luring us here instead of moving, and then coming up with "fun" outings, like this. "Moderate climate" my ass. It's a goddamn snow globe half the year."

"That's on you, buddy. You could leave."

"Hell no."

"Well, there you have it!"

"... We're losing him- dude's cranium must've cracked from all the freezing and thawing. Are you happy, Jane? Put that degree to use and plaster his potholes."

…

"Jake, are you alright?"

He had gone still as if staring into the skull's eye sockets, but his eyes were glassy and fogged over, unfocused. From the right angle, they appeared tinted scarlet, giving him the appearance of a stoner.

"Jake."

…

"Jake!"

She shook him out of his trance and he jolted with a broken scream, nearly falling backwards. The skull rolled off and landed upright beside the wall, intact.

"Jesus..."

Jake glanced around with wild eyes before gradually relaxing.

"I'm sorry; you weren't responding."

"We need to go back. There's- There's a curse and evil entities and fates worse than death."

…

"They were just Reddit threads. You had a bad daydream; your imagination is playing tricks on you."

He shook his head vigorously, still trembling and beginning to tear up. They glanced at each other before scooting closer to wrap him in a hug. Roxy hopped up and sprawled across their laps. He wiggled his arms out from behind to reciprocate with ferocity, as if it was the last time.

"Th... Thank you... but this was a warning. I saw things. Terrible things... Some nice things, too, but mostly terrible."

"For the record, _I_ think we should leave."

"Yes, you've made that abundantly clear. You can go, or wait outside- really; I won't be upset!"

"You're breaking my goddamn heart."

"I'm serious!"

"We know," he muttered under his breath. "That's why we won't up and abandon you to the beasts." 

She rubbed her brow, sighing deeper this time.

"I... I felt called to this place long before we even arrived, as if it was something absurd like "destiny" and fantastic discoveries were just waiting for me... I'm sorry for distressing you both, but I _need_ to find out what's in there for myself."

"I can respect that, but still. Curiosity slayed the pussy."

"How did it call to you?"

His eyes were wide with fright again.

"... You'll think me a loon."

"Bullshit." "We won't."

"Thank you, really... Alright. When I went antiquing several months prior, I found a little music box with my first name on it. Its song was almost hypnotic, and I could have sworn the cheeky angel figurine was smiling _at_ me. I left it there but couldn't get it out of my mind for weeks, so I eventually returned to find it unmoved. The manager knew nothing of it and seemed surprised that it even made its way to the shelf. There was no price tag, so she told me to just take it. I brought it home and uncovered a hidden compartment filled with trinkets and oddities, including a decrepit old version of the map, fragile and faded with copper-green edges. I got to researching dead ends and consulted every apparent expert I located, none of whom could identify the box or its contents' origins. I felt progressively tormented, until... I- I smashed it to smithereens and then set it aflame in the wastebin one sleepless night because the song wouldn't stop. The nightmares ceased, but I've remained compelled to get to the bottom of this, to the point that it interferes with my daily life."

"That's nothing short of bad juju. Textbook horror case! Honestly, have you _seen ANY of the movies?!_ NEVER meddle with the occult- not even a single weegee card reading! Just call some ghost hunters over and they'll dispose of whatever plagues you with their handheld vacuums and fancy schmancy scented salts."

"If I'm being honest, that just sounds like one of my classic neurosis flareups. It might be contagious."

"Of course, I kept my copy of the map... And the compass, even though I could've sworn I threw it out with the box."

She withdrew it from her pocket, and Jake recoiled.

"Accursed! Bewitched! Douse it in holy water, ASA pronto!!!"

"There's no need for theatrics. It seems harmless, unlike the rest of the hootenanny. I figured if I used it in the cave, it might lead me to answers."

"Because everyone knows broken compasses are meant to be used in pitch black locations with magnetic interference."

"I brought flashlights!"

"How do you focus on that without falling?"

Roxy poked her head up to give it an experimental bite, disappointed to find it unscathed. She tugged it loose anyway to bat it around a bit, gnawing on the emerald ouroboros serpents set against the gold covering.

"Give it back, stinky."

"Run."

"Don't encourage her!"

"It's not like she knows English or gives a shit either way."

"We can't go in there," he interrupted to reiterate, dazed. "It's a trap." 

"Even though the supernatural elements are bull, it's-"

"Truthfully, I don't think I have a say in the matter."

…

"But you do? Fate is fake."

He helped Jake upright, receiving another hug while Jane retrieved the compass via bribery.

"... I'll make it quick. Just a loop around to purview the scene, then we hightail it out! The sooner we get there, the sooner we can leave."

Dirk was the one to sigh this time. It was the deepest of all, laced with exasperation.

"There's no leaving."

"Balderdash... But if you truly believe that, it means a lot that you're willing to come along anyway. You're cream of the crop companions- that much is a fact."

"You have to say that at my wake, along with "He was right. He warned me about caves." It's the only way you can lay my soul to rest."

Jake lingered for a moment, eyeing the skull warily before leaving it and scurrying after them.

It was a cloudy day, interspersed with gusts of wind. Scattered leaves and seed pods clung stubbornly to certain trees, rattling with each breeze. Jake was becoming more apprehensive by the minute, and his hair was more vulnerable to dishevelment than the others thanks to him neglecting to bring a head covering, reflecting his frazzled nerves despite his efforts to tidy it. He struggled to keep up with them at such a level of high alertness and preoccupation, but they noticed and fell back, flanking his sides and keeping their idle chitchat lighthearted. He hesitated before reaching out to intertwine hands, cold be damned. Jane squeezed his reassuringly, and Dirk kept his hold tight but gentle. Jake already felt a lot more secure, even rejoining the conversation and swinging their hands a bit after minutes of unspoken comfort.

* * *

"- I can think of at least four locations more deserving of the title "Lord's Gloryhole." And are we just going to ignore how ripe it is for innuendos? Pack your bags, gang; we're going to plunder a rock solid, chiseled ass."

"Now that you mention it, there was that rift called The Devil's Anus in _Thor: Ragnarok."_

"I rest my case. It's dumb as hell."

"Hey, now, watch that yapper! Don't knock it until you've seen it at least twice."

"Yeah, ok."

* * *

"AHA! At long last, the runes! Must've overlooked them half a dozen times!"

Jane ducked under the waterfall and hurried over, while Dirk parkoured down the side he was scouting. She knelt next to the licheny stone post he had uncovered and investigated its carvings.

"That's it, alright!"

The entrance wasn't obvious at first or fifth sight, having been grown over with vines and blended in with the other jaggedy crevices of the large rock formation. Drivelets of water, ferns, and moss created a peaceful surrounding scene, and several cute mushrooms lined the sides.

"A bit lackluster in appearance, I'll admit."

"Had I not known what might lurk inside I'd've scaled its serene clifface."

"This doesn't even look ominous; I was picturing something out of a cartoon. I give it zero out of five hats for lack of spookery."

"I'd hold my tongue if I were you. Someone was rumored to have died here within the past decade."

"Probably from a prolapsed rectum avalanche."

Jake guffawed again, high-fiving their furry.

 _"Dirk._ Please, try to take this seriously."

"Oh, I am. It just doesn't make sense to go in expecting different results? Like, what's the best outcome here? We sleuth our way to a pile of skeletons and call it a night?"

"It's about uncovering the unknown! They never found the body, so for all we know we could find a living person!"

Dirk arched a brow pointedly in her direction once more.

"You really think we'll meet Spiders Georg?"

"Look, at this point, I just want to get it over with so that the notion will stop hounding me once and for all."

"I'll go first."

"You'll do nothing of the sort."  "No way, José!"

"Y'all have a death wish? We could've bonded over that."

She ignored him in favor of taking her compass out. It pointed straight ahead.

"Well... there's no going back now."

"For the last time, you have a choice."

"Shall we?"

They exchanged a glance.

"... Nevermind. Are you ready?"

"Not in the least, heh."  "No. Bring it." 

Jane retrieved flashlights for each of them, and they headed in without anymore fanfare.

"Are you really going to keep your sunglasses on?"

"That's the plan."

It got colder as they entered the dark recesses. The birds outside became fainter until all that could be heard was their footsteps and drips in unseen pools. By then, they had reached a five-pronged fork in the path, which didn't seem to be man-made.

"Let's split up and search for clues."

"Hardy har, bug off."

Roxy made a beeline for one of the middle ones, a blur of white that almost looked like a ghost. She startled all three of them.

"So, guess we're going that way."

"The compass isn't-"

"Fuck the compass. Sorry, but I have a furry to supervise."

He hurried after her, cursing as he slid down the steep drop and accidentally loosened some pebbles. Somehow, he stayed upright and wasn't slowed down.

"We- We could always follow the compass once we come back."

"I suppose... Better make sure they don't get themselves killed," she muttered, scampering ahead. Jake ran in an attempt to not be left alone.

"Roxy? C'mere, girl!"

"If only cats were as considerate and compliant as dogs."

"Consarn it... Bro? Where are you?"

"You're gonna wanna see this," he called from nearby, voice echoing. They hurried towards him and soon entered a large opening.

"Hoppin' jalapeños," he whispered, backing towards them as they looked around in awe.

Their flashlights lit up a high ceiling lined with stalactites. The stalagmites were much taller where they framed the sides but also littered the uneven ground. A sudden prickling sensation nagged at them.

"D... Do you think there's... someone here?" he whispered even quieter, pressed against them and shining his light towards every creeping shadow, which moved with the angle.

"No... But we can find out," she murmured, a humorous lilt at the end. She unzipped her bag and rustled around for a moment.

"Son of a fuck, you were really planning on using that? I thought you bought it for the goof."

"Yes and no to both. Like I said, it's an experiment."

"Those things are loud enough in videos. I'd prefer not to grate my eardrums."

He placed his flashlight on the ground unceremoniously.

"If you can understand me, turn this light off."

It flickered, then turned red. Jake stifled a yelp and Jane tensed.

"... Ok, close enough. Now swivel it around."

It rolled out of sight and then shut off along with the other lights, plunging them into total darkness. Jake tried to turn his back on, clicking the button repeatedly in vain.

"Looks like we're dealing with a paranormal prick."

"Don't anger it!!! Jane, please leave with us. This is plenty evidence!"

"I can't... I can't until I follow the compass to the end. I've got extra batteries."

"Forget that dadblasted doohickey! Roxy? Roxy, for the love of Croft's craft, come here!!!"

Jane set the spirit box down. Before she could even give instructions or turn it on, it set to a distorted version of ["Emperor's New Clothes."](https://youtu.be/XbDyv9uni50)

_"Finders keepers, losers weepers."_

"That's... odd. Perhaps it's stuck on one station?"

…

"Or it's an emo ghost."

"Hush! I want to hear what "it" has to say."

They sprung up and crowded together when an illuminated red mist began to seep in from multiple directions at once, some of it settling into the ground. The song continued to play, and the dirt around them buckled and cracked as a variety of bones manifested like shells in a sand shifter, which levitated towards each other to assemble into a pack of skeleton rats. They began to stumble towards the three in an unnerving, Thriller-like manner.

_"Mortal kings are ruling castles. Welcome to my world of fun. Liars settle into sockets; flip the switch and watch them run!"_

"Oh, look, they're doing a little dance! May- Maybe they're animatronics?"

"Why the fuck would they- You know what? Maybe they are. Just back away and high-tail it."

"I concede; let's."

"Thank the Blarney you've _finally_ come around! Let's put this place behind us posthaste!!!"

"I can't let you do that," deadpanned a completely normal, disembodied human voice above them.

Dirk shot upright, Jane screamed, clinging to him, and Jake fell backwards. Roxy jumped down out of nowhere to pounce on several of the skeletons gleefully.

"Shit, that's a _massive_ pussy."

They took the opportunity to bolt, now pursued by dozens, all glowing with beady little eyes.

"You can't escape the rat miles."

"HOW ARE THERE SO MANY?! WHY ARE THEY HERE?!"

"Is this really the time?!"

"There has to be an explanation!"

Jake just continued to scream nonsensical jargon, running blindly. He was much faster than them hopped up on adrenaline, not unlike Shaggy. The mist soon encompassed him, scream fading.

"Jake!!! Jake?!"

"JAKE! FOR FUCK'S SAKE-"

A bunch of skeleton bats rounded the corner, driving them down a scraggly path.

"Ok, now this is more logical! At least bats belong in caves!"

"And bones can reanimate themselves. Glad we have our priorities figured out."

"Stop! It's a cliff!"

The swarm dissipated into the open cave and perched on rock formations, eyes the only thing visible now. The dark was overwhelming without their glow to show where the edge was.

"... Dirk?"

"I'm right here."

"We're not alone," she squeaked.

"Yeah, no shit... Stay calm; we'll-"

* * *

"It just keeps happening, doesn't it? Can't abscond, bro."

"WHY DOES EVERYTHING YOU SAY SOUND LIKE A STUPID MEME?!"

He flung off rats left and right, which did, in fact, just keep reforming like Dry Bones. Their attack halted in midair when a guttural, high-pitched shriek echoed through the cave.

…

…

…

"Jane?! Dirk!!!" he called anxiously. The bones collapsed around him, sinking back underground. He barely had time to register that before he blacked out.

**Author's Note:**

> inspired by two hella talented people's fics: 
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/28663419/chapters/70266312
> 
> https://archiveofourown.org/works/29754792


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